Mondays are usually my Before and After Posts. Today, I want to share something a bit more personal with you.
I have been participating in a Photo a Day for June on my Instagram account. (gwinnclan is my handle if you want to follow my account) Today's assignment is "Something you might not know about me." Now, this is a hard one for me because I think my life is pretty much an open book. There isn't much that the blogosphere/twitterverse/facebook world do not know about me. I think that is just part of the way our world works nowadays.
I had an idea for a picture one day while in my shower and wasn't sure if I should do it. I debated with myself for days about this one. I asked myself, "Is this something I really want to share with the world? With potential clients?" However, if I can touch someone's life, and help them know that life is not always as bad as it seems, this is worth it.
I have suffered from depression in the past. I still have days where I would like to just hide in the shower and cry. They are few and far between, but still there. I don't think that depression is something from which a person ever fully recovers. Everyone has "black" moods or days that just don't go well. A person who has fought depression really battles those type of days. They battle with self doubt, self hate, lack of confidence, and many more feelings of inadequacy. The good thing is someone who has gotten help for their depression and "recovered" from it, will recognize those feelings for what they are and work through them without sliding down that slippery path.
What keeps me moving forward is knowing that I have friends and family that love me and need me. I know that life is really not that bad in the grand scheme of things. I remember to count my blessings daily. Especially on my "bad" days. There are so many to count, too. I have found comfort in my Catholic faith. I have a husband and two gorgeous daughters that love me not to mention the rest of my extended family, as well. I have incredible friends both near and far. And much much more.
My youngest daughter saw this picture and said, "Mommy, were you crying in the shower again?" That just broke my heart! I told her that no, this was just a picture I took and that I wasn't sad today. She gave me a hug and told me that she loves me. :heartmelt: Then she told me that she remembers me crying in the shower when we lived in Hawaii. The sad thing is that it was over 2 years ago when that happened and it still stays with her…she's only 5.
This is NOT the legacy I want to leave to my daughters. I want to show them a strong Mommy. I want to show them that it is okay to have sad days but that it is not okay to run and hide from your problems. I want to teach them that the good outweighs the bad. I will teach them to deal with their emotions in a healthy way.
One of my daughters' favorite rituals is our "Happy/Sad Moment" of the day. I don't remember to do it every day and I should. It really lets us talk about our day and what could have been better and what really went right. It also give us, as parents, the chance to really be honest with our kids about our feelings and show that we, too, have happy and sad moments, as well.
Something that I have come to accept about myself is that depression runs in my family. I also realize that having had my thyroid removed my senior year of High School puts me even more at risk for depression when my medication levels are off. However, I can choose to let depression get me down and hurt the rest of my family in the process, or I can choose to fight through it and remember that depression will NOT own me.
I also know that not everyone who deals with depression is clear thinking enough to be able to make that choice. I do hope that anyone reading this who may identify with my story, please get the help you need, whether it is from a therapist, priest, minister, psychologist or psychiatrist.
I want to share one more thing that I read daily: